Episode 1: with EpoGlucK from Peachy'Melocotons
On a day when the heat haze grew in such volumes it was like smoke, I stopped my bike next to a group of trees, and curiosity getting the better of me, decided to test whether you could cook eggs on the road. Unfortunately the road had turned into a semi-liquid, which meant instead of cooking the eggs, the eggs fused with the road; and unsure whether I'd be fined the cost of a new road, I decided to leg-foot it. In what I now assume must have been a delirious state, I found myself sitting in a chair of a TV studio as if I was David Letterman, Graham Norton, or Piers Morgan, with some woman saying "Peachy Melocotons" at me.
"What?" I asked, "Is that like that French biscuit, with peaches added," to which the woman, who was no doubt the producer, rolled her eyes at me as some guy started counting down "Five, four, three...."
"Our first guest," the woman who was clearly not impressed with me started saying after the guy finished his countdown, "Manages the leading Portuguese team in CFF, currently sitting third in division one, so put your hands together of the manager of 'Peachy'Melocotons, EpoGlucK." As the applause died down, I realised I had to ask questions.
Q: “You operate a Portuguese team, but I understand that you’re not Portuguese.”
A: “No. I was born in Cantabria (Spain), raised in Mallorca, but I´ve lived in Sweden, UK, Finland, France, Mexico and finally back to Mallorca where I live now.”
Q: “How long ago did you start participating in CFF?”
A: “I´m not sure, but I guess it was around 12 years ago.”
Q: “What type of team were you intending to have when you started CFF3?”
A: “I started with the idea of hills team as I wanted to compete in the Ardenas and the World Championship. And then buy other specialities. I had the goal of never training climbing, but to buy a team able to compete in every race.”
Q: “You've been near the top of CFF rankings since the start of CFF3. Do you see your team constantly replacing cyclists to stay there permanently, or keeping a core group of cyclists until they get old, and then going for a team renewal with young cyclists?”
A: “My favourite part of the game is to see how the riders grow up and also to sign riders who I can adapt to their training. After this generation, replacing, or new generation, or a break in the game, I am not sure.”
“It appears we'll have to wait and see.”
Q: “You were manager of the Portuguese NT team in season 2, where they achieved a credible 4th in the standings. Since then, the Portuguese NT squad have been near last despite great potential, with two managers routinely missing races, one of which being replaced halfway through the season. Have you considered reapplying for the NT position? And is there anything you'd recommend for potential NT managers to consider for the Portuguese NT squad to return to near the top five?”
A: “It is hard to be a competent NT Coach, that´s why I did not apply for it. By the way, I don´t blame the NT who tries, we even get some victories with Kalarratas, I just blame the ones who get the position as coach and then do not sign or put tactics for the stages”
“Now it’s time for... Until the producer says ‘STOP’. In this segment, we ask normal to weird questions, until our producer says the magic word ‘STOP”. You ready? First question.”
Q: “If you could be any type of cyclist in CFF3, what type of cyclist would you choose, and why?”
A: “Maybe a hiller who could also compete in cobble-hill races. I was a fan of Rony Onken, who won stages in Ardenas and cobble classics in the same season many years ago.”
Q: “Do you watch real life cycling? If so, do you have any favourite teams/cyclists? Or any you don't like?”
A: “I do! I don’t have a favourite team, but I like Astana and Education first. My favourite cyclist was Cancellara, nowadays it’s Sagan, Van der Poel and Roglic.”
Q: “Do you believe cycling should have a salary cap for teams?”
A: “For sure. The "tyranny" of some teams make the sport boring, Carapaz in Ineos makes me quite annoyed. Good for Carapaz, but sad for TV spectators.”
Q: “So tell us about any sports or exercise you do?”
A: “I do mostly climbing, a bit of cycling and basketball. It is not federated or so, just with friends.”
Q: “Tell me one thing about your home country that most people outside it probably don't know?”
A: “The Spanish average time working is generally longer than the average time in centre/north Europe for what I´ve seen.”
Q: “How do you believe our current civilisation's existence will end?”
A: “A pandemic of some kind.”
Q: “Would you rather be a vampire or vampire hunter? And why?”
A: “A Higher Vampire, Genuine higher vampires are a separate, extremely powerful breed, commanding great powers are sometimes unique to particular specimens. They are masters of the art of camouflage and in most cases appear nearly identical to humans. Only their teeth, and the fact that they cast no shadows and have no reflections in mirrors, can reveal their true nature. Besides being supernaturally fast and agile, higher vampires can also assume the form of a giant bat, become invisible, and use their gaze to mesmerize their victims or put them to sleep. They are invulnerable to sunlight, fire, and silver, and have unbelievable regenerative powers which allow them to return to life even after beheading, dismemberment, or incineration- though in such cases the process may take many decades.”
“How about incineration, and then separate bags of ash on different rockets into orbit in different directions? Ok, next question.”
Q: “What magical ability would you most like to have & why?”
A: “Time travel, it gives you a lot of tries in CFF, I guess Flyvende_hjul has this ability,”
“Stop.”
“Right, I see our producer has a tiny blue police box and a broken watch, which means we’ve broken time with a temporal paradox, and the BBC is protesting about their patents. Everybody put your hands together for EpoGlucK from Peachy'Melocotons.”
Maybe the interview happened, maybe the smoke haze in 43c temperatures aided my brain, but regardless, stay tuned for next time.
Viewer Question: Would you rather be a vampire or vampire hunter? And why?
Vampire: EpoGlucK, horace_vr, Sjiz
Vampire Hunter: Aurora Australis,
Deceased Vampire Victims: Combuijs, Vos
Episode 2: with Damafe from Chesspower
Fires burn under hades fury, the heat burning as it consumes the world. Moisture collects in the air, and falls on the flames, the steam filling the air, enveloping all with a sauna’s fury. Hallucinating, I stumble in the white-grey mist, watching the flecks of red anger of hellish beasts spitting fire on those who cross their path, and I can only hope for a safe sanctuary. Out of the gloom appears a building. On entry, I see lots of cameras, people sitting in rows like a horde of crash test dummies in the direction of a pair of chairs and reporter’s desk, and a woman marching with purpose towards me.
“Chesspower, Chesspower, Chesspower,” she insists as she pulls me to one of the chairs. What is a chesspower, is it some strange form of pretend martial art? I ask myself as a man starts counting down. And was I to be flung into the crash test dummies?
“Welcome to the second edition of the Late Late Show,” the woman starts speaking to a camera & audience at the same time. “Tonight’s guest leads a team who’s been best of Spain twice, and has led the Spanish national team to two international championships. So put your hands together for the manager of Chesspower, Damafe.”
As the crash test audience applauds, Damafe enters, waving the hand not carrying a briefcase to the crowd before sitting. The woman glares at me as if to say “ask him something”.
Q: “I assume you’re Spanish?”
A: “Yes, I live in Spain and was born in Santiago de Compostela.”
Q: “I understand you’re a long-time manager in CFF”
A: “Uf... i started in season 3, or 4 of CFF1, i don't remember the year... maybe 2005? I was playing online and another manager told me to try CFF. I don't remember the name of that game :(“
Q: “Your team has steadily progressed to being a feature in Division 1. What do you see as your future there, and what future plans do you have for your team?”
A: “After reaching 6th place in season 5, I only want to stay in first division and win the Spanish maillot. Next season will be tough. My plan is to train a new generation, maybe hillers, or climbers, but this time i want to have the best one :P”
“Yes, the time trialists coming up will unseat a lot of older cyclists, so why not.”
“Now it’s time for... Until the producer says ‘STOP’. In this segment, we ask normal to weird questions, until our producer says the magic word ‘STOP”. You ready? First question.”
Q: “If you could be any type of cyclist in CFF3, what type of cyclist would you choose, and why
A: “A pure climber, to play in races like Sestriere 92' or Bola del Mundo. Hard races, were you can lose in every section.”
Q: “Do you watch real life cycling? If so, do you have any favourite teams/cyclists? Or any you don't like?”
A: “I watch few races, but i don’t have favourite team... maybe cyclists, like Valverde :) I don’t like teams like Sky, controlling all the tours...
Q: “Do you believe cycling should have a salary cap for teams?
A: “I think teams must have freedom, I don’t like "market regulations". Sponsors pay a lot of money to ensure their objectives. If their objectives are more difficult, they need to have better cyclists, so they need to pay more salary. Other sponsors have easier objectives, and they can have cheaper cyclists.
Q: “So tell us about any sports or exercise you do?”
A: “I play chess 8) . I like to walk and ride my bicycle (only in summer), but now I am injured... so... only chess for me :-\
“Good thing your team name’s Chesspower....., yes I know lame joke. Moving on.”
Q: “Tell me one thing about your home country that most people outside it probably don't know?”
A: “This is not a Paella:”
Pausing, Damafe opens up a briefcase, and takes out a small poster to show the camera.
(https://fotos.subefotos.com/c38690761c9bdb331ce018b201198a8co.jpg)
As he does this, a number of tourist pamphlets fall out of the briefcase. I’m about to put them back into the briefcase when I read the titles.
“All verses of the Star Spangled Banner”
“Topless horseback riding with Putin & other ways to be accepted by the locals”
“Latvian Cooking: It’s not only jellied meat”
“Getting to work in Colombia, one mountain at a time”
“Dining in Estonia: Meat, meat, kali, meat, beer, and blood sausages”
And I realise that these aren’t tourist brochures, and are in fact brochures for those looking to resettle in one of these countries. So I hold the brochures up, silently seeking an answer.
A: “You know I said I was training a new generation, well I will relocate the team to somewhere colder. Estonia or Russia are the most likely, or Colombia, but have not discounted Latvia or America yet.”
“Haven’t made a final decision? Well I’d suggest Tasmania, but it's only cold by Australian standards. You make sure you let us know where your team's going to be based before you move.”
A: “Sure”
Q: “Next question. How do you believe our current civilisation's existence will end?”
A: “According to Asimov, It will end when humanity goes to colonize other planets, and on each planet there will be a different civilization over the years due to the distances that will be between planets. On some planets they will live in steel caves, in others they will have sex once in years and just for have kids, only for survival of the species.”
Q:”What magical ability would you most like to have?”
A: “Knowledge. Be able to know what I want whenever I want. Because knowledge is power: Sir Francis Bacon.”
Q: “Would you rather meet an alien species, or communicate with animals?”
A: “Alien species (if they exist ::) ). We can learn a lot of other species (technologies, languages, ¿music?...), as Europeans and Asians did centuries ago.”
“Stop.”
“Right, I see our producer is holding a picture of people doing a dance, The Macarena, and in red lipstick she’s writing...., “NO..., WAY.” I believe she’s putting her foot down, no letting aliens know that we’ve had bad dancing-singing pandemics, and maybe the aliens won’t eliminate us. So that’s our show for tonight.”
Maybe the interview happened, maybe the 40c fiery sauna boiled my brain, but regardless, stay tuned for next time.
Viewer Question: Would you rather risk death by meeting an alien, or communicate with animals? And why?
Probable Death by Alien: Damafe, Vos, Sjiz
Animals Always Begging for Food: